A Token of Appreciation

How would you say "thank you" to someone who showed up to work for 5 years in a row? I found out how my employer does it on Wednesday when I showed up for work and found the following memo on my desk:

"Dear Employee, Congratulations! This year you will achieve 5 years of full-time service. In appreciation for your service, your Dean/Director will present you with a gift and framed certificate during your anniversary month." (Not big on spontaneity, my employers.) It continued: "Attached is an order form as well as picture descriptions listing your gift choices...In order to get your gift and certificate prepared by your anniversary month, it is important for you to complete and return the selection form as soon as possible."

So as you can see, they have developed a system that guarantees satisfaction on the part of the recipient. I see no flaws in this plan, and so those of you who have birthdays in the next six months, please email me with your gift order as soon as you can. Gifts will be delivered during your birth month. In the meantime, I am now faced with the dilemma of choosing just how I want appreciation to be shown to me by the people for whom I work. I'm calling on all of you to help me in this important decision. Here are my choices, by category (which I made up):

Office Supplies
1. Black Canvas Portfolio. (Capitalization and punctuation as written.)Features deluxe canvas large main compartment, poly-canvas material, zippered main compartment, padded handles, open-front pocket, and adjustable shoulder strap.
2. Black leather portfolio offers style and practicality. (I think there should be an exclamation mark there.) Features satin finish accent, two pockets (two!!), penholder, and 8X11 writing pad. Includes custom-crafted symbol. (Not like those generic symbols you so often find on portfolios these days.)
3. Poetic, practical ballpoint pen has an unmistakably modern feel. Luxurious black satin finish accented with chrome creates a dynamic writer's tool. (Does the writer have to be dynamic, or just the pen?) Refillable. (So it IS dynamic!) Features custom symbol. (Sterling Silver Emblem.) (I didn't make up that last part. It was really written in.)

Accessories
1. Stainless Steel Knife. Features knife blade (I'm sold), file, scissors, and brushed finish.
2. Gold-filled Bracelet. (Is that like a custard-filled doughnut? Cuz those are delicious.) Features a mariner-link design, polished finish, and lobster-claw closure. (I'm digging the nautical theme.)
3. Sterling Silver Bracelet. Features a polished snake chain and lobster-claw clasp.
4. Sterling Silver Necklace. Features elongated bead design, polished finish, and a lobster-claw clasp.
5. Sleek and stylish (Don't get excited; that's not the gift.), this contrasting key ring (see?) features both satin and high-polished surfaces. Includes custom-crafted symbol at center.

Household items
1. Digital Clock and Frame. Frame can hold a 3.5X5" photo. (Everybody got that?)
2. Picture Frame Clock. Features silver frame, white dial with black numerals, black hour and minute hands (so as not to clash with the numerals), and a silver second hand. Holds one 4"X6" photo.
3. Crystal Bud Vase. Decorates your table as a beautiful centerpiece (if your table is 2 feet in diameter) or accents a fireplace mantel, piano, or desk.

Binoculars (What? What category would YOU put them in?)
1. Compact Binoculars. Features center-focus system and coated optics. (COATED OPTICS!!!) Field of view is 378 feet at 1,000 yards. Includes belt case and neck strap. (Ah. Accessories.)

Next time, we'll discuss the emblem "to symbolize [my] commitment and dedication to the University" option, and whether to have it attached to my gift, as a lapel, or as a charm. Good night, and good luck.