"That was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions."

I recently attended a meeting (a "webinar," in fact) about giving constructive feedback without making people angry. I figured it would be a good skill to have in my particular job and for life in general. (However, I still plan to get angry every time I receive criticism. I haven't been to a seminar for that yet.)

We learned some pretty simple ways to go about effecting change for the better in people's problem behavior. First, when approaching the situation in which you need to give feedback, you need to have the right goal in mind. Apparently, "Proving I was right," is not a proper goal. It should be more along the lines of "effecting change."

The next part talked about something that I've learned a lot about in my own classes on communication. Basically, it was a reminder not to use the word "you," or even "we," when "we" really means "you." You (uh, except, it's okay if I say it right now...) can't tell another person what they're feeling or what their intentions were/are. You can tell them your perceptions only. So say, "I," and mean it.

This brings me to the next point. If you identify a problem or feel that you have been wronged, it's very tempting to decide on your own why the person committed the offense. "Andy was late to work again. He's such a slacker," or, "Betsy didn't call me when she said she would. She totally knows I rearranged my whole schedule for her. It's like she doesn't care about anyone but herself."

Whoa. There were some pretty big leaps in there between someone not making a phone call and being condemned as a selfish jerk. Rather than getting angry and accusing her of such, a better way to resolve the situation would be to first identify the FACTS. What did you actually observe happening? Betsy told you she would call you at a certain time, but she did not.

That's as far as you actually know. You can't accuse the person any further than that. But what you can tell them is your interpretation of the event. "When you didn't call me, I assumed you had decided to do something else and didn't tell me." Take responsibility for your interpretation. The other person didn't MAKE you think that; you thought it up yourself, based on your experience.

Then explain to them your reaction and how it made you feel. "It hurt my feelings, because it made me feel like I wasn't important to you." Again, this is not the time to say, "You made me feel bad." Your interpretation of the situation made you feel bad. You still don't even know why Betsy didn't call you!

Finally, talk about what you want the person to do. Maybe you want assurance that it won't happen again. Maybe you want an explanation for why it happened this time. Maybe you just want an apology and recognition of the problem. Just tell the person what you want. If you leave out this step, the person has to guess, and that's neither fair, nor likely to make you feel better.

Though we talked about this at a work meeting, I think I will end up using it way more often in my personal life. Especially important to me is the recognition of the separation between the occurance and my interpretation of it. Remembering this could change the world, my friends. Think of all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings can be avoided if we remember that one step! Roommate battles, heart-breaking break-ups, and even road rage can be a thing of the past!

So stop criticizing people the wrong way, because you're making me angry.