Pyrophobia

You may or may not know this about me, but I am extremely afraid of fire. More specifically, I am afraid of getting burned. I'm one of those people that pulls cookies out of the oven with an oven mitt on each hand, and another one between the first oven mitt and the pan. (That was a weird way of explaning that...) I never straighten my hair because I'm afraid I'm going to clamp the thing down on my hand or my ear or my neck, and I give my parents' fireplace a wide berth when it's lit every five years.

So imagine my displeasure when I was innocently blow-drying my hair one evening, and my hair dryer suddenly shot flames at my head. Not sparks. FLAMES. FLAMES! At my head! *shudder* I screamed, of course, and threw it down to the ground while simultaneously switching it to the off position. (It was very smooth). As it sailed to the floor, I thought, "Gee, I hope those flames don't ignite anything else they touch, like my carpet." Helpful thought; unhelpful timing. Luckily, they did not.

A few days after this, I attended an overnight retreat with my coworkers at a lodge kind of off the beaten path in a rather secluded area. It's very pretty and cozy, and we had a lot of fun playing all day. At night, we gathered together for an evening devotional by the fire. The caretakers were originally going to come light the gas fireplace for us, but I saw them come by in the afternoon and show one of my coworkers how to do it so they didn't have to make another trip. At the apointed time, my boss sat on the hearth with his assistant as they prepared to light the fire. It's a huge fireplace, so she had to lean way into it for her match to be able to reach. We all knew exactly the moment that it connected, because a giant fireball erupted and shot out of the fireplace, out both sides and all the way up to the mantle. My coworker, who, remember, had been inside the fireplace at the time, screamed and pulled herself out. We all gasped, but then when we saw the look on my boss's face as he sat next to her, we knew it was pretty serious. He grabbed her and used his hands to put out the flames that had started in her hair. (He doesn't remember this, but he also put out the flames that were on the back of her shirt.) We all sat stunned as we realized what was happening, thinking things like, "Her face just got burned off." Ironically, her hair was covering her face, so even though it caught fire, her face was protected. Once the flames were out, she sat still for a second and then said, "I'm okay." She excused herself to the kitchen and dealt with her shock while the rest of us stayed in the living room to deal with ours. I didn't stop shaking for about 45 minutes, and I didn't take my hands off my face until the devotional was over. It was terrifying to sit there and watch my biggest fear come to life on someone right in front of me.

On the day after the retreat, I attended a comedy competition for some local stand-up comedians. (As an aside, they were all terrible.) One guy talked about what kind of superpower he would have if he could pick one. Guess what it was. Lighting things on fire! He stood up there and over and over lit things on fire and threw them into the crowd. Maybe he knew that the comedy was so bad that most people there would've welcomed being set on fire, but generally speaking, I think it's bad form to ignite your audience.

So, in the end, though I came dangerously close, I made it through all of these experiences unscathed and whole. I even got a new hair dryer out of the deal.